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It is almost impossible to believe that it has been five years since the chosen death of my husband. When faced with tremendous loss, the concept of time changes dramatically. All in one moment you can feel as exhausted as you would be after five thousand years and the next moment as shocked as you would be after five minutes.

I had just finished the final manuscript of our book when David took his life. I had been doing research for over 15 years to discover how to awaken the next level of women’s wholeness that would bring together all of our Feminine and Masculine ways of being. I knew how to go through difficult circumstances, how to be in challenging moments, how to show up with a sense of presence, wisdom, love and power. I knew something about all of this because I had worked with hundreds of women in my programs, and I had my own direct experiences as well over the years. But suddenly I was faced with putting all that I knew into practice on a much deeper personal level than I could have ever imagined possible, with an enormous amount at stake.

Suicide is a brutal loss – one that is absolutely shattering, and messy. After the earthquake of David’s death it was like a tsunami came in and swept away all the good things in my very fulfilling life. Everything that mattered to me in the outer form was gone within six months. And although I lost all sense of certainty about if or how I would get through this, I never lost a deep core faith that something larger was unfolding. My commitment was to not resist what had happened and to focus on the present moment and keep moving forward one painful step at at time.

It’s what breaks you that makes you stronger.

— Suzanne Anderson

My life is now dramatically different than it was five years ago before David committed suicide. And I am different. The breaking open of my heart also broke me open into the world in a poignant and powerful new way.

I talked with Jana DeCristofaro on the Grief Out Loud podcast about my story of surviving the loss of my husband. In my interview, I discuss the “shame swamp” that surrounds those who are connected to someone who commits suicide and the process of falling apart before you can fall together again. I hope you will enjoy listening…

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Many years ago, I was in the field of leadership development working at senior levels of companies where there weren’t many women at the time. I was working with large multinational companies that were needing to learn to be more nimble and to bring in what I would call more of the Feminine capacities.

Women were between a rock and a hard place. They had put in their time to get to a place of influence inside the Masculine patterns of leadership and had ‘hard wired’ in a way of being and doing that often excluded their more authenctic self. In a sense, they had become one of the boys. And they were suffering…enormously.

There’s a shakeup going on for women right now. Shaking us out of the old patriarchial patterns that we internalized.

Something is happening…deep in the aqafir of our beings…and we can either get caught in the froth and foam of this wave of change or we can learn to find the sweet spot and ride it into a profoundly new way of being.

We’re giving birth to a new level of our potentiality, and it’s shaking up all of the old structures. And without a guiding map letting us know that we are in the midst of big evolutionary move forward, women try to shut down or numb out from the enormous anxiety and depression. It is not surprising that 1 in 4 women is on antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds. And this is presented as normal. But this next level of our potentiality is pressing to get our attention, and this is not the time to go numb.

We’ve been inside a masculine paradigm of consciousness for over five thousand years now. This was a long time for this hyper-masculine code to get installed in the body, heart, and mind. From an epigenetic standpoint this code has been passed down through our DNA, so we are now a generation of women who have a very challenging job.

Those women in leadership positions who I had worked with prior to my research phase who had basically installed the masculine operating system have been a necessary part of this evolution. We had to develop the Masculine structures of consciousness first in order to enter into the domains of influence and power. That was something that needed to happen, but it wasn’t the end game.

We are at the point now where we need to bring the Feminine and the Masculine into balance.

It isn’t about getting rid of our healthy Masculine capacities. Instead, it’s about developing a relationship with the Feminine ground of our being and bringing the Masculine into relationship with the Yin field. It is from this place that we know what our needs are, we welcome our unique essence and we are able to experience more directly the limiting beliefs within the code running deep within our consciousness.

We must stand up as women who are capable of shaping the future for the next generations to come. It is our own vulnerabilities, our own failures, our own questioning, our own curiosity that are all part of own strength as leaders. This is actually more of a Feminine model, that we can both be vulnerable and let the sword come down when it needs to for a decision to be made. This is Yin and Yang working together.

The very code that can change the world is literally right under our noses. It’s actually in the body. The newly emerging Mysterial pattern is inside of us. We have to uninstall the old code in our unconscious and upgrade our inner operating system. It’s not easy work. And yet the personal and collective rewards are enormous.

What we found is that as women started to install this new way of being and of showing up in the world, they started to live very differently in terms of the way they related to their own bodies, the way they created harmony in their lives, and the way they were in relationships. They naturally started to become leaders. It wasn’t about a role. It was a quality of presence – a Radiant Presence – that was inviting and inspiring.

We as women are in the midst of a profound rite of passage. Evolution is calling us forth now. And with that, there are some difficult challenges going on. There are sacrifices required as we give birth to our fullness.

I had the opportunity to chat with Michele Meiche on the Awakenings podcast about this topic. 

To participate in the Mysterial conversation and enhance your ability to be a greater catalytic agent of transformation, join our Facebook group here.