It is almost impossible to believe that it has been five years since the chosen death of my husband. When faced with tremendous loss, the concept of time changes dramatically. All in one moment you can feel as exhausted as you would be after five thousand years and the next moment as shocked as you would be after five minutes.
I had just finished the final manuscript of our book when David took his life. I had been doing research for over 15 years to discover how to awaken the next level of women’s wholeness that would bring together all of our Feminine and Masculine ways of being. I knew how to go through difficult circumstances, how to be in challenging moments, how to show up with a sense of presence, wisdom, love and power. I knew something about all of this because I had worked with hundreds of women in my programs, and I had my own direct experiences as well over the years. But suddenly I was faced with putting all that I knew into practice on a much deeper personal level than I could have ever imagined possible, with an enormous amount at stake.
Suicide is a brutal loss – one that is absolutely shattering, and messy. After the earthquake of David’s death it was like a tsunami came in and swept away all the good things in my very fulfilling life. Everything that mattered to me in the outer form was gone within six months. And although I lost all sense of certainty about if or how I would get through this, I never lost a deep core faith that something larger was unfolding. My commitment was to not resist what had happened and to focus on the present moment and keep moving forward one painful step at at time.
It’s what breaks you that makes you stronger.
— Suzanne Anderson
My life is now dramatically different than it was five years ago before David committed suicide. And I am different. The breaking open of my heart also broke me open into the world in a poignant and powerful new way.
I talked with Jana DeCristofaro on the Grief Out Loud podcast about my story of surviving the loss of my husband. In my interview, I discuss the “shame swamp” that surrounds those who are connected to someone who commits suicide and the process of falling apart before you can fall together again. I hope you will enjoy listening…
To participate in the Mysterial conversation and enhance your ability to be a greater catalytic agent of transformation, join our Facebook group here.
Thank you for this Suzanne, I found much here to harvest. Your plain talk around the experience of David’s chosen death (that phrase alone is one of my prime take aways) is a welcome doorway to a taboo subject.
I am glad that it was helpful Sarah. And thanks for commenting here!